dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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