I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
