it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
