you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
