Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
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