i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
