I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
