A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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