Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
