I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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