Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
