she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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