We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
