He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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