she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
