Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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