I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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