Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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