Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Little spoons don't ask big questions
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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