he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
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