just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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