Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
