my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
