Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
