This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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