Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Randomize
