I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
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