Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
