How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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