Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Randomize
