oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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