How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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