I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
