If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
