When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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