also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
In other news, I just burned my penis
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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