I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
