In the future we'll all be gay
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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