drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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