where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
In other news, I just burned my penis
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
