So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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