Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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