I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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