Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
