My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
