Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
