I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
