just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Randomize
