i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
