Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
