Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
